Monthly Archives: November 2010
Current status: wrapped in blanket in a terribly cold room at 4 in the morning. Now, one may ask, “James, what can you possibly be doing staying up till 4 in the morning?” That is a very good question.
Well, like many before me, I am not quite so clear on my role as a Baruch Scholar. In fact, I feel rather ambivalent to my current position. On one hand, I am doing great in class so far and I’m sure this scholarship and education will pay off well in the end. On the other hand, the true scholar in me is feeling very wary about where this path will lead, and certain professors of mine are not easing the caution by constantly pointing out how the primary purpose of this school and most education in general is to train students to be good little cogs in the machine. I would like to fancy myself a fairly unique individual, but something deep down makes me dread that the path laid out before me will make me lose some of that individuality and I will end up some suit in a cubicle complaining about what he could have been. Tapping away at a keyboard at 4 in the morning as I take a sip from a mug of chocolate milk so I may stay awake long enough to finish an assignment is certainly not helping me believe this fate is far from reality.
But perhaps its my fatigued brain’s delirium that is making me feel so uncommonly pessimistic, so let’s take a step back and walk down the more idealistic side, which so conveniently segues into the next topic of community service. One of the things I have wanted to be most of all in my life was to be a hero, someone that people respected and admired for reasons worthy of respect and admiration. This desire manifested itself in my younger years as an overactive imagination rife with images of heroic escapades and battles of good and evil. As I grew older, the idea of me becoming a wandering swordsman through the deserted wastelands of downtown Jersey City, delivering justice amongst a violent and crime-ridden anarchistic state, became more and more unlikely to achieve. Instead, I saw such people as Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, who have all of the money in the world at their disposal, yet don’t flaunt it and instead try to improve the world through their philanthropy instead. I suppose that’s one of the main drives that spurs me to become financially successful in the future, so I might be able to make the world a better place, not through climactic battles with the super-powered tyrants of a dystopian world, but through throwing enough money at a problem that it eventually decides it can stop causing trouble for the poor and downtrodden and instead packs its bags and moves to a nice suburb or something.
Then again, I could always combine both my childhood dreams of heroic crime-fighting and current dreams of money-fueled philanthropy and become Batman.