I suppose this is my moment to reveal something about myself—important enough that it’s worth the taken breaths, interesting enough that you can fake attentiveness politely, and just maybe thoughtful enough to seem like I care. But, in all honesty, I’m not very good at caring… and it’s not like my free writes were helpful in composing this little monologue here because I rarely do what I’m told when I have the option to do something else. So, nevertheless, here I am, pretending to care and talking about myself as if you should care—my two least favorite things. But, luckily, pretense is my forte, so here goes nothing that I’ll pretend is something.
I’ll let in on a secret that’s not really a secret at all, but, nonetheless, my secret is that I couldn’t be more terrified now for there are a few things that scare me more than monsters under the bed, being alone in the dark, and infections and this would be one of them. It’s not the speaking part I mind. I say too many things—often outlandish and reckless—to care about what I say but it’s the being on public display part that I hate about things like this. I just try to exist without thinking that other people know or care about my existence and this is just going against all of that, now isn’t it? It’s not that I’m saying you do care now because I’m sure you don’t, but I’m making you care just a little because I’m trying to make this worth your time. And see, that’s not how I function in my world. I don’t assume I’m important, which allows me to do what I want, freeing me of worry of other people’s judgments. But, standing here, in front of you, I’ve been pigeonholed to do just that—think about you and your thoughts about me because right now, I am at the disposal of your minds and beady little eyes. See, this why I brought the cupcakes because I secretly hoped you’d be in a state of euphoria and not pay attention to me. But I delude myself because I can see you finished your cupcake and aren’t in any state at all. So, now, you’re looking at me, or looking through me, and it is this moment that I am most vulnerable. Because you scare me and I can’t do a thing about it.
How’s that for revelatory?