To my surprise, we actually a lot of similarities ourselves, and I’m so glad that we are able to get to know each other more through this piece. Like you, I don’t have any recollection of my father, and sometimes wonder what it feels like to have a dad. At the same time, I also had a heart problem when I was young, but luckily i didn’t have to go through a surgery. However, those lines really hit me.

I really like your style, and i think each stanza works perfectly together. Also, the individual sentences in between adds more emotion and detail into your overall piece. I’m not sure what I would recommend for you to change, but maybe you can work on making the structure even tighter. Overall, I really loved it!

There are two lines in this piece that really struck me. The first one was, “That was the first moment I remember feeling like there was a rock stuck in my throat and no matter how hard I swallowed, it wasn’t going to go anywhere.” It seems like a long sentence, but it doesn’t sound like it. It’s such a simply structured sentence, but it says so much about the sadness you felt without you stating so. Another line I really, really like was, “It was a harsh winter and all the flowers were asleep under the bitter white sheets and the only scents that gusted through the air were cold slaps on bare faces.” This line was a lot longer, and a bit less structured. It’s definitely poetic and quite rhythmic. I love the “cold slaps on bare faces” because it really reflects the anger in that moment.

The only thing I had a hard time with was figuring out who was who. I noticed that you use pronouns a lot, and there were times when I wasn’t sure if you’re talking about yourself or Jennifer. I’m also unsure as to who “he” is in the line, “It wasn’t the first time he struck her.” Also out of curiosity, did you consciously choose to structure the entire piece in verses? Was there any thought behind why you chose to continue a sentence on the next line? I thought your way of structuring the piece into a prose poem was very interesting.

Overall, I really like this piece. There were a lot of very moving parts, but make sure to clarify the scene for the reader so that it’s easier to follow the stories.

Roxanne

I really like the idea to parallel two girls (Two friends) and their lives and experiences. You have a lot of opportunities with this form to be creative, and I think it’s something you should play with more as you revise. The main thing I think you want to accomplish with the form is to parallel yet differentiate the girls. They are connected (as friends) and they share some commonalities, but they are also two distinct individuals. So first, decide what specific qualities/experiences you want to parallel. List them. For instance, you might have something about the fathers (both suffer from missing or abusive fathers–so this is a commonality but also points to an important difference); something about how both are talked about, pointed at (again, for different reasons, so it’s a commonality and a difference); physical differences; and so on. Make a good list. Make it thorough. You should even include things you haven’t written about (yet), since you might come up with some great areas to develop this essay toward. Brainstorm. Once you have a good list, you can looks for your overarching themes (remember King on themes!) and consider which to highlight, and how (here is where you might come up with good symbols or images to communicate your themes).

Also, under the similarities, detail how they are different (as I suggest above). From here, you have a detailed list of material, both specific and more general (e.g. the themes). Now, think about structure–how could you best order this information? Generally, you want things to flow, and flow comes from a logical internal order of material, evidence, scenes. Which episode NATURALLY follows from which other episode, etc? You need to plan the order out logically for ultimate flow.

Be careful to make it clear which girl is being talked about, without being too overt–you have to walk a fine line here. IT’s nice to blur their identities, but you don’t want to confuse the reader. I, for one, was a little confused In the section about the girl being abused by her father. At first, I thought you were talking about yourself there. I know you switch to third person, which is the big clue. But for some reason–I think because I was so into the drama and emotion of the piece by then–I kind of missed it and had to pause, to track back, to figure it out. you don’t really want readers to have to step out of the emotional moment there.

So you might consider tools for making the switches between the two girls’ experiences more clear. You could use her name, instead of just the pronoun. Or you could have some kind of subtitle before each new section, maybe something as simple as “Me” and “Her,” or you could put one girl’s story in normal font and the other in italics. I’m just brainstorming here. You might try these and not like how they look; they might be too heavy-handed and clunky. It’s just something for you to keep in mind with the interesting form you’ve chosen here.

I really like this piece; it’s emotive, as I suggest above, and quite lyrically written. I like, for instance, your play with the one-sentence paragraph. It works nicely for rhythm. I would look at your adjectives and other modifiers. Do you need them all? When you call the laughter of the mean kids “hideous,” for instance, is that necessary? Or is it implicit? Or maybe even better to put the noun (laughter) into the verb form (to laugh). Play with it.

Thanks for your work on this so far! I enjoyed reading it.