17- Fix You
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
I first met you in a church when I was seventeen years old. You were forced to go, I was the daughter of the pastor. You wore a pair of worn out jeans and a plain t-shirt; I was all dolled up, like one of those porcelain dolls that little girls receive on Christmas. You sat there alone with your head down, as if you were trying to hide away from the glory of this pretentious world. I looked at you from afar, smiling as usual. I didn’t know how to approach you, so I started to sing. I sang so loudly that I droned out the rest of the chorus, and everyone stared at me in awe. I didn’t care about what others thought of me; I just wanted you to notice my existence. You did. As I sang the words of God, you stood up and left the room. I kept on singing, but I was no longer smiling. I felt an immense rush of pain shooting from my heart; I think I was bleeding inside. I had never seen anyone who looked so sad. Why were you so sad?
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
I ran off from the stage and chased after you. I didn’t know where you went, so I looked everywhere, until I found you sitting alone by the entrance. You looked at me like the way a little child who hadn’t see his mom for a long time, and took me into your arms. You clinched onto me as if I was your last lifeline, and I felt the streams of tears wetting the top of my shoulder. I knew you needed someone to love; even though, you weren’t capable of loving. I knew the sudden love that I developed for you would end up tearing me apart, but I was too sad to let go of such a wounded soul. I knew I had to save you like the way Jesus saved his people; I didn’t mind dying for you.
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called “Yellow”.
I saw you smile for the first time when I was eighteen years old. Your smile was innocent, like the smile of a little puppy. Your eyes were bright, so bright that it reminded me of the way the Cross looked hanging from the altar. You never went back to the church, but you kept on coming to see me. You told me that you had lost all faith in God, because he was never there for you when you needed him. He wasn’t there when your mother got ran over by a car, he wasn’t there when you were sent from one relative to another, like the way an old shirt gets handed down from one person to another, and he wasn’t there for you when your drunken uncle took you and beat you everyday. You smiled as you told me everything, as if all the misfortune belonged to someone else. You held tightly unto me, and told me to sing you a song. I did, the one that I wrote especially for you.
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know,
For you I’d bleed myself dry,
For you I’d bleed myself dry.
I knew there was no turning back. My heart had been sewn with yours, and we’ve become one like the way God created a woman from a man’s ribcage. I absorbed every bit of your wildness, your loveliness, and your loneliness. Sometimes your loneliness could be overbearing, making me sad myself. Yet, I always smiled in front of you, even when I was crying inside. I stopped seeing my friends because I didn’t want you to feel like I was abandoning you. I skipped Christmas with my family, so that you wouldn’t have to spend it alone. I wanted to do all the things I could to make you experience the least bit of love and joy in this world. I was nailing myself to the cross.
19- What If
What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don’t want me there by your side
That you don’t want me there in your life
Between the years of eighteen and nineteen, I think I cried more times than my entire existence. I stopped talking to my parents because they wouldn’t approve of you. My father said that the son of an ex-convict should not be part of our family, and my mother cried every night because she felt like she had lost her only daughter. Everyone around me considered me as a miracle child because I was born premature and almost went through a heart transplant at the age of three. I was always very weak as a child, and all of my family members treated me like a precious jewel. I always got what I wanted, and never understood the meaning of sadness. My father said that it was a sin to be sad under God’s love and glory. I had never doubted that, even when I met you. I always thought that if I had just tried a little harder, maybe you could see the joy that the world offered. However, I was wrong. Your heart had been stabbed too many times, to a point where only God could save you. I had lost.
Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That’s the risk that you take
You finally left me and disappeared into the lonely world. You disappeared as swiftly as you had appeared in my life. I cried night and day, until my eyes became blurry. I locked myself in my room and blamed myself for not loving you enough, for making you run away once again. But I tried, and died during the process. I had already given up my entire happiness; there is nothing else that I could possibly give. Maybe there was another girl somewhere in the world waiting for you to discover, waiting for you to love, and waiting for you to forget your wounds. However, that girl was not me. My eyes remained blurry for days, I thought I was going blind; yet, I regained my sight after the seventh day, and decided to forget about you after that.
20- The Scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let’s go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
If I were to pick a favorite number, it would have to be 20. Twenty was when I first met you. I was sitting hopelessly in the middle of the crowded church, looking at all the pretentious faces around me. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and put my head down to drone out the noise. As each sound was slowly fading out of my head, I suddenly heard the most wonderful voice in my life, reminding me of the way my mother used to sing to me as a child. I didn’t know what to do because all of the memories that I tried to get rid of suddenly came back to me. I had to leave, but I didn’t want to leave you. I went outside hoping that I could catch a glimpse of you later on; but, to my surprise, you actually came out. When I saw you up close, I thought I saw my mother through your eyes. I held onto you like a little child, afraid that you might go away. I knew that I had been attached to you from the start.
I’ve never told you this, but the time that I spent with you was the happiest of my life. Yet, it haunted me just as much. The sight of you somehow brought back all of my past memories, as if someone was picking at an almost-healed scab. Your happiness, your loveliness, and everything about you reminded me of everything that I was not. I couldn’t stand myself corrupting an innocent soul like yours, since I had too much sadness inside of me. In a way, you reminded me of a saint, always sacrificing yourself for the sake of others. I knew your family had problems with me and you stopped talking to them after seeing me. You didn’t have to hide all of your sadness away; the silence of your cry haunted me even more. Guilt and helplessness started building inside of me, and I couldn’t stand watching you deteriorate right before my eyes. I had to leave. I had to act cold towards you; otherwise I couldn’t bear leaving you behind. Annabel, I am so sorry for bringing you so much pain into your life. Even though a year had passed, I had never stopped thinking about you. I don’t have much time left because I finally found a way to chastise my soul, I will go see God. Thank you for being there for me when I most needed it, and thank you for loving me when everyone had forsook me. If I could choose, I don’t wish to come back to earth again; but, if I must, I would implore God to allow me to meet you earlier, so that I could save the best of me for you. Please forget about me. Everything had been a wonderful dream, but now it’s time to wake up. I’m sure when I wake up everything will start all over again; I am going back to the start.